Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Shaq Fu

Two nights ago Salt Lake City had the privilege of a NBA home game, pitting the Jazz against the Phoenix Suns. Hooray, right? Another wonderful moment for all them Jazz fans to enjoy a great game of dribbling, dunking, passing, and shooting. That and making sure to boo at Shaquille O'neil with every fiber of their being. Now wait one second. Just hold the phone. Please tell me why everyone's hating on Shaq? What has the Big Cactus done to you? Why's everyone picking on the big guy? Just because he's 7 ft 1 in tall and weighing in at 325 lbs doesn't mean he's made of stone! Just because he's bigger than most two of you put together doesn't mean he's indestructible! Inside that big chest of his is an even bigger heart; a heart that needs to pump oxygen-filled blood throughout every portion of his body. And with such a big heart means he has big feelings, big feelings that could be hurt when people constantly harp on him. The poor guy gets boo'ed every time the ball touches his hands. Why is everyone booing? Is it because he donates millions to the Boys and Girls Club? Do they boo him because he hosted the reality show Shaq's Big Challenge, which helped kids loose weight and stay in shape? Do they boo him for affiliating himself with the Muslim religion? Is that too heathen? Too unpatriotic? Shaquille O'neil is a friendly man, with much love to give. Would everyone boo at Mother Teresa if she was out on the court? Well if she was 7 feet tall and bald they probably would, because look at what the mob is already stooped down to. Sure, he made a crappy movie about being a genie, and some albums where he raps about basketball, but hey! He's a good guy. Just cause he's big doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings. Everyone should feel ashamed for making his life harder every time he takes to the court to play some ball. Shaq doesn't come into your office when you're filling out CTS reports or distracting you from pouring an iced chai frappuccino for your paying customer. No, no he doesn't. He's got a game to worry about, and other things on his mind. He doesn't need you to pester him with your foul mouth and bad sportsmanship. As so, on behalf of Salt Lake City, Shaq, I apologize for the lack of courtesy. You deserve better. You've blessed the lives of many, and your large stature leaves many a lesser man in your shadow.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


So I'm aware that I haven't posted anything in a while. Sorry y'all. Normally I'm on it pretty well, but seeing that I no longer work at the bank, I need to get a cord for my scanner so I can still keep pumping my drawings into your eye sockets. And don't worry, I have some fun things coming up. Such as more things Mormon's are into, more words and phrases kids say too much, and a few other fun observations I've had over the weeks. Not to mention the awesome Halloween costumes I did. So stick around and I'll keep you all posted.

But here's at least something. It's a little different. I drew up some character's for a Dungeons & Dragons campaign for a friend. I thought I'd at least post some kind of drawings.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

No handlebars

I sold my car. I bike everywhere. Biking on the brain, I guess. I just realized I have lots of drawings of bikes. Here are some. Enjoy.

Touchy Touchy

Last night I found myself at a concert. Voluntarily, of course. I didn’t just wake up there or get beaten, blindfolded and dragged there. Point is, there I was. We had to get through the swarms of spectators, my friends and I, and as we’re moving through, I realized I was purposefully touching almost everyone I passed. A hand on the shoulder here, a hand on the waist there. And afterward, I’m thinking, “what the heck am I doing? What merits such deliberate invasion of another’s personal space?” Because not only was I the culprit, for no sooner had I realized this that I saw everyone doing it. Touching and passing and holding and pressing, and for no REAL need. Mind you it’s all in the realm of appropriate behavior. We’re not cupping a feel or squeezing a rump as we pass. But why? What strange mentality falls over the crowd where suddenly touching almost every person you pass is so comfortably justified? Do we really feel we need to let that girl know we’re passing them or have to alert that dude we’re coming through in case he abruptly lashes out with his fists? Why would he lash out with his fists?
It’s the “collective concert conscience” I’ve decided. We’re all there, together, to experience the music and the performance. We like to know we’re all brothers and sisters, and united in the same music-consumer cause. And so when we pass said male or female, and gently hold their arm as we pass, or place our hand on the small of their back, we’re not saying “watch out, I’m coming through” but rather “I’m glad you’re here. Enjoy the show. You’re a beautiful person.” The spirit of the spectacle blows away all cares of your comfort zone. At least, I sure hope so.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

7 Reasons why I'm a dweeb.

So I’ve got to admit something about myself. This is just how it has to be. I realize there are some things about me that would clearly put me in the nerd category. I just feel it’s time I address them.

1. I love Final Fantasy. You don’t get it. I LOVE it. Thanks to Josh Hughes letting me borrow his Playstation in 8th grade and his Final Fantasy VIII, I became an addict. Maybe I have the soundtrack of every game on my ipod. All 12 of them.

2. I play Starcraft. Well, I do occasionally. I’ve only recently played a few games. But when I was in elementary school, this too, was a huuuuuge pastime of mine. I can still tell you the pro’s and con’s of the Zerg, Protoss, and Terran. I personally, prefer Protoss.

3. I not only play Dungeons and Dragons from time to time, I draw pictures of it. Yes. I’m not even ashamed. I think it’s great. It’s a release from the norm, I get to be creative, I get to be with friends, and I love drawing up different characters. Plus I have a dexterity of 13 with a +2 saving modifier thanks to a magical Elven cloak I found at the bottom of a cave once guarded by a Dragon I vanquished.

4. I’m an Anime fanatic. Akira, Ghost in the Shell, FLCL, Cowboy Bebop, Samurai Champloo, you name it. We’re not talking about that Pok√©mon or Dragonball Z crap. No, we’re talking LEGIT. I think it stems from my love for Japanese culture. But go ahead, call me a Manga fan, an Otaku. I don’t care.

5. I have an entire collection of Warhammer 40,000 models. Each model, individually assembled and painted, all a small part of an enormous army I had built up from 5 Space marines and a Dreadnought. Now, over the course of 4-5 years in my youth, I now have a force to be reckoned with. Probably worth over $2,000.

6. I like to put sentimental papers and notes and ticket stubs and such in my journal. Deal with it.

7. I cry to Disney/Pixar/Dreamworks movies. Summer of 2002, late at night, alone in my room with Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. I cried when the horse jumped the cliff and escaped those bad military men.

Monday, October 6, 2008

A Prayer for more Moisture

Ah yes, the wonderful month of October, where our lives are richly blessed with the inspiring words and heartfelt anecdotes of the General Conference sessions. What a most splendiferous time of learning and understanding. No time is more looked forward to in the LDS community (besides a Temple marriage or a much anticipated Potluck of course)And I, the Mormon that I am, am easily numbered among the throngs that flock to the television screen, mind alert and ears and heart open to the promptings of the spirit. And with the wonderful blessing of rain pouring down upon the roofs of our abodes, pitter-pattering away in Mother Nature’s lullaby, I found myself in a state of euphoria. Truly, such discourses as Elder Uchtdorf’s "Come what may" and Elder Holland’s "Ministering Angels" were most appreciated in my life.

But, If I might make one, simple suggestion:

As our fellow brethren stand at the podium, and commence in the offering of prayers for more moisture and such, is it too much to ask that we offer them some moisture to their mouths?! What, are they applying Elmer’s Glue to their lips before they address the congregation? I mean, yeah, I get a little dry-mouthed due to nerves and such, but man, a simple glass of water can change all that! Don’t get me wrong, the prayers are the most beautiful, devoted petitions I hear, but that doesn’t mean the corner-of-the-mouth, sticky, pasty sound of peeling mucus membranes doesn’t reach my ears as well and cause slight (yet reverent) convulsions in my spine. I’m just saying, there is no way on earth I will EVER ignore that clammy cacophony of cottonmouth conversing that occurs at General Conference prayers. Just put a little sacrament cup-size water there, or a quick spray of kool-aid, or something. I love my brethren, and I love the church. But that sound, as unintentional as it is, is just unholy.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

What Mormons are into (Part 1)

My Utah Observations have recently accumulated a large quantity of pointless information. I decided to record them. I pray, brothers and sisters, that this becomes a continual service of mine.

Especially for Maggie

This was supposed to be a simple drawing, which then turned into a four part comic strip, which then transformed into this, a minute long film. I hope Mag Pie can truly appreciate how much I love her hugs. This one's for you sweetie!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Words and phrases kids say too much

Jonathan and I once got on the topic of certain words that are completely overused and utterly raped with exploitation. These are but some that we discussed:

"TOTALLY" - for some reason, the Y generation believes they completely and absolutely understand EVERYTHING that occurs in their lives. They either "totally" agree with you, knowing exactly everything you meant, saw, heard, smelt, felt when relating a story, or they "totally" don't get it, not knowing how someone could have possibly done that! They literally can not fabricate one reason to understand how! When they "totally" saw that lead guitarist thrash out that wicked solo, they absolutely, no question, completely saw everything that was humanly imaginable to see in that brief moment of time.

"RANDOM" - Chosen without method or conscious decision? Of COURSE kids know what that's all about. Oh my gosh, the faces he makes are SO RANDOM! There's no way he can make that many funny faces for his Facebook profile pics with conscious decision. He's SOOO without method. How many random trips, random sleepovers, random dance parties can one young adult have? Probably some random number between "Not enough" and "Freakin' awesome."

"OH, I KNOW" - Really? You REALLY know? You really know what I'm going through when my car exploded? You really know the band Ratatat even though you called them Ratatatatatat two minutes ago? You REALLY know how it feels to be cheated on? Are you sure you know? Are you sure you.... don't?

"HOLLA!!!" - Normally said outside parties, venues, or makeshift dances as two or more people are closing the distance. No, most chances are, they aren't black.

"AWKWARD" – Used for pretty much anything nowadays. Used to trigger a laugh. Used to break the ice. Used after a first kiss. Used when next to someone at the urinal. Used in lines. Used in cars. Used in (my favorite place) turtleneck sweater parties, when Suzanne's ex shows up with none other than Jesse, who was last heard making out with Jonathan, which is awkward in itself because Jonathan showed up with Jesse's sister Sophie. I don't know what's more awkward: the inter-relation social web or Brendon's haircut.

"FREAK" - Most often accompanied with one of these: ! A particular favorite amongst the Latter-Day Saint communities, to replace a much more naughtier version. And let's face it. We all use it because we LOVE being sassy and defiant, yet not that defiant. Unruly, but not that unruly. Edgy, but not that edgy. Mormon, but not that Mormon. Spin offs include "freakin' ", "friggin' ", and the absurdly lame "flippin' ".

"ANYWAYSSSS" – I'm not even going to mention that "anyways" was once improper English. The actual wording is "anyway", but seeing how "wing nut", "fan boy" and "webinar" were added to the dictionary this year, why not just add "anyways"? The kids are all saying it. Heck, it's in its own world. It has its own ecosystem. "Anyways" fills entire conversations. It clears all doubts. It solidifies opinions and gives birth to shifting eyes and shuffling feet. It comes out of the same bag you can find "Soooo…" and "Well…". It's normal to say one of these and then just let the sentence trail off into forgotten winds. And I realize I DID mention "anyways" was once improper. It's cool though, right? …Anyways…

"WHATEVER" – I don't even want to talk about this one.

"CHILL" – "Just Chillin'", "It's Chill", "Chillax" (A ridiculous mix of Chill and Relax. Ha. Ha. Soooo witty). This word seems to come out mostly in groups that try and maintain a level of coolness yet remain "mellow" and "distant". Chill actually has been, for the most part, associated with feelings such as "gloom", "depression", "unfriendliness", "disinterestedness", and "discouragement". In the past, I don't think the reassurance "Ah don't worry, bro, he's chill," would've given the same impression it does today. Now, a sketchy climb, a rope swing, a steep hill; it's all "chill". Makes sense.

"SERIOUSLY?" – This one's a favorite of mine. It's a favorite, because its usage usually baffles me. It's context is as follows:
"I just got the job!"
What did you expect? No, I didn't? You just got Punk'd. It's actual meaning, describing sincerity, earnestness, or genuineness is completely sardonic by its usage. OBVIOUSLY it's serious. If I'm telling you I just got these sweet kicks for 50% off, and you say "seriously?" I don't think I'd respond with "No, I'm just lying to you because I'm bored." I'd probably say, "TOTALLY!"

"LET'S HANG OUT" – This one is a doozy. It's never actually implied that you two will hang out in the near future. You have about just as much an invitation to spend some time with the individual who employs this phrase than were they to say to you, "Do you know if John's here?" At one time, maybe this had some value to it, but those days are long gone.

"HELLA"/ "HECKA" – "Hella" for those with 'tude, "Hecka" for the more self-conscious (or maybe just with a sense of ironic humor). I honestly don't really understand it. That is hell of cool, just doesn't really flow, nor does That is hell cool. I'm not certain on its origin, but one day it was dropped, and about a billion teenagers picked it up and have been using the name of Beelzebub's domain since.

And there are many others. Such as "Surreal", "Right on", "Yeahrrr" (my friend Lyndsay says she hears this a lot and doesn't get it. Must be a Colorado thing.) Go ahead and leave comments with any other words/phrases you want included. And don't worry, we all know from time to time we say them as well.